Skye

MAD-adorable illustrations. I like all the different textural methods of colouring you used-- it's like you took each picture as a chance to try something new, so your storyboards double as a fun experiment and perhaps concept art, to help to peg down specific things that feel like the world you're trying to convey. I also really enjoy seeing your perspective guidelines-- due to them being freehand, they have a lot of personality. Specifically, these drawings remind me of a series of old HyperCard games by Amanda Goodenough involving a cat named Inigo. I adore quirky, charming little stories about pets and animals. (101 Dalmatians, Babe, Homeward Bound, to name a few...) Speaking of which, are these your actual pets? Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes...

Some of the way that story points were phrased probably gave me a different first impression than you were going for -- "To make things more exciting, the two chinchillas would pretend they were asleep when their parents would leave, and as soon as they were gone, they would watch TV all day." At first glance, connecting "to make things more exciting" to "pretend they were asleep" seems to be what's going on, but I believe you intend the viewer to connect "to make things more exciting" with "they would watch TV all day". And then, even THAT is immediately followed up with the fact that they act OUT the movies, very aggressively, and that on-top of that, they pull pranks on Sabrina.

So-- I think what's ACTUALLY trying to be said is more like this: "Even though Piper led an ordinary life, she found ways of making it more interesting. Whenever their parents were going to leave, the two chinchillas would pretend they were asleep, and then, when the coast was clear, they'd turn on the TV and watch loads of classic movies, re-enacting scenes and using it as an opportunity to terrorize the cat. And sometimes, when they were feeling especially naughty, they'd drop the pretenses and just pull pranks on her." Something like that, I think that's more clear and helps us know that... pretending to sleep is not the part that makes things more interesting for Piper. Sleeping, I'm certain, puts Piper to sleep, as it were. ;) Also, whoever decided that Piper and Princess re-enacted THELMA AND LOUISE, of all films-- that's just the perfect hyper-specific touch.

When Piper decides to leave, I see you've added a little detail on-screen that Sabrina is saying, "I dare you!" The details of Piper choosing to leave are actually very interesting! Piper, Princess AND Sabrina all have their own motivations in play here, and they're all equally important to what happens. I think it'd be important to bring up that Sabrina was actively encouraging Piper to go on this dangerous adventure to begin with, to get her out of her hair for a while. Obviously, you follow this up with a bit of that-- "But Sabrina had a plan of her own and decided to lock the two chinchillas out of the house and have some peace and quiet for a while." But I think the phrasing on that's a little strange. Like, the "but" in that sentence-- what's the but? Is it because now Piper and Princess can't get back in the house? ... I mean... they don't seem to want to get back in the house right this very MOMENT, I bet they didn't even notice Sabrina did that, since Piper has no intentions of coming back home, and Princess is following Piper. So it doesn't quite seem to follow anything, as a transitional statement. (I KNOW, I KNOW, this isn't that important. But when someone's trying to follow a story, if the brain can't connect two statements together, it gets lost for the rest of the story.) I think the correct thing to put here would be a "meanwhile" instead of a "but". And I suppose "plan of her own" is a reference to Piper's own plan of going to Hollywood, but, I normally think of plans as being more elaborate, and more active. Like, as if Sabrina's been planning this for days. But this is more of a spur-of-the-moment idea. (Once again, semantics, but, when I heard the phrase "Sabrina had a plan of her own", I kept waiting for a plan, and realized that it'd already happened, haha.)

I think that Piper needs a more noble motivation that the idea that "she couldn't live without her mother"-- like, that just makes it sound kind of selfish, like she wants something from her mom rather than because she cares. Like, her mother's gonna... she's probably going to die, right? Like, don't you think it should be more like, Piper tries to save her mom just... because she loves her? Maybe that's what you're trying to get at-- like, said with a specific inflection, "I can't live without you" is certainly a WAY to say you love someone-- it just seems a little uncaring in the circumstances. Like... you're choosing between going to Hollywood and saving your mom who will die otherwise. Like, is it that hard a choice?

On that line of thinking, I think something that can be played with in a story like this is fully presenting your main character with their dreams and then having them reject them for a noble cause. Maybe it could go more like this -- Sabrina dares Piper to go to Hollywood, Piper goes while Princess isn't looking. When Princess finds out, she gets SUPER mad at Sabrina (who pretends she doesn't care at all) and then immediately leaves to try to find Piper. Sabrina heaves a sigh of relief and relishes in the solitude. Meanwhile, Piper actually makes it to Hollywood and becomes a huge star in movies! I think that'd be hilarious and wonderful, to have her acting alongside, like, actual human actors, and her becoming a huge draw at the box office, etc... (Obviously, this is compressed cartoon-logic time-- happening over days, hours, who knows? All happens in a single montage moment.) All the while, Piper doesn't know that Princess is out looking for her, not even stopping to think about her boring old home anymore in the midst of all this excess and glamour she's always longed for.

Then, an agent presents her with a coveted role in... let's say Thelma and Louise Rides Again. Yeah. And Piper is suddenly hit with an overwhelming guilt, and she realizes, she has all she ever wanted... except her favourite co-star: Her mom. So she flat-out rejects the offer-- her agent is, like, "If you do this, you'll never work in this business ever again!" But it doesn't matter to her-- she's gotta go home.

When she makes it home, Sabrina informs her that Princess has been missing-- and maybe Sabrina pretends not to care, but secretly, you can see that Sabrina is both relieved to see Piper AND really worried about Princess. Piper now has to go looking for her mom, and asks Sabrina for help, who still refuses, because of all the mayhem they've put her through.

Then Piper runs into the poachers, seeing Princess and the back of their van, and pursues them, and then...

-- Okay, here's where I need clarification, as a non-chinchilla owner. What exactly is happening to Piper when water gets on her? Is it like Gremlins? Does a new chinchilla form? I tried looking it up, but it doesn't seem to say that chinchillas can't move when they're wet. Just that it's bad for them, like mold and spores could form, or their body temperature could get dangerously low. So I don't know why Piper isn't moving out of the water. Or is it too deep? Was the "Her mom had always told her chinchillas aren't supposed to get wet" just a fun aside joke? Speaking of, more transitory stuff-- the "so" after that statement makes it sound like Piper was flailing in the water BECAUSE her mom had advised her to. So I was waiting for, like, her mom's advice about it to pay off, but then she's just dyin' in the water and just happens to be saved from it. It'd be kind of nice if something that her mom had always told her helps in some way!

At any rate, Sabrina coming in at the last moment is an excellent character moment-- a last-second change-of-heart just in the nick of time is a fabulous story tool, and it really adds a lot to the climactic moment here. Maybe in the end, Sabrina, Princess and Piper can have more of an amiable relationship? Like Snowball and Stuart Little, post-first movie. Maybe they can even act out movies TOGETHER now!!

Also, I'm going to be copying-and-pasting this short little sentence on everyone who picks wall-to-wall narration on their final draft of their story: Think of all your favourite short films, both animated and non-animated, and think about how many of them have wall-to-wall narration. I think you'll see that, even when they were adapted from picture books and maintain a level of narration, there's lots of points where the narration stops, and we get to just appreciate storytelling without the narration. Especially if the visual is telling us everything we need to know, why add a narrator? The story spine and the final product are very different assignments, and while one could choose to add wall-to-wall narration (it IS certainly a choice), I think going a route of purely visual storytelling or letting the characters speak for themselves is too captivating a choice to not consider moving forward! ^_^

Corinne (1 like)

This is AMAZING feedback! Thank you so much for your attention to detail and great advice. I agree, the story has so many holes that need to be explained better. I am definitely going to flesh this out. Thank you for your comments on my drawing. This was the first time Iʻve ever done anything like this. I am not an artist, just a storyteller and filmmaker. My friend taught me about perspective in about 2 hours and I worked on it from there. Itʻs very cathartic, and it you are right, it was definitely a way for me to understand and connect to my characters and their world.

Thatʻs super cute that you looked up chinchillas and water. Yeah, they donʻt die from it, unless they get a fungal infection and it goes untreated. They can also get a respiratory infection and that can kill them if it goes untreated. What I really needed to add to the narrative is that she "thinks that sheʻs dying, because she has been told over and over by her owners that she isnʻt supposed to get wet or sheʻll die (or something like that)". I think another thing about her owners is that they could have a trust issue. Maybe they donʻt trust Piper and Princess and the cat together so they keep them locked up all the time. Perhaps the moment where they are all on the couch at the end could be a turning point where the whole family is in harmony and trust each other not to terrorize each other, destroy the house and/or run away or get wet even, lol. That would be very cool if they did duplicate when they get wet (like gremlins). Piper, Princess and Sabrina are actually my real pets, and that would be so fun if they would multiply when they get wet, LOL.

Lastly, I wrote this story in honor of my beautiful Mom. She passed away last August, and she always wanted to write a story about Piper. She really identifyed with her personality (the real Piper). Iʻm going to add Piperʻs pic to this story submission. I really want to add some of those elements of motherhood, bonding, and adventure into the story. Thanks again. I am going to study your feedback and implement it. Please let me know if you have any more pointers after reading my reply. And... if you are open to giving further feedback after I make the changes, I would be delighted. with that said, how would I contact you when I finish the changes?

Skye

I am absolutely overjoyed that Piper, Princess and Sabrina are real-- my dreams have come true. 8D And I can't believe that art is new to you!! I hope you've enjoyed that part of it, because I REALLY love your drawings-- I don't think the story would be even half as charming without them. And wow, what a wonderful reason to write a story, Corinne. The care and heart put into it really shows through. : ) I'll be excitedly awaiting to see a picture of Piper!! And I am 101% hyped to see more and to give my thoughts-- I'm so, so touched that you'd want that for me. Go to my website and grab my e-mail from there. If you look up "skyetheguy skye sonomura" on Google, it should be the first result.

Corinne (1 like)

Hi Skye! Thank you so much. I found your info, and I will email you when this is done. You are awesome! I noticed I canʻt add a photo of Piper here, but I did add a pic of all three furr babies to my story reel submission. Big Aloha to you!

Skye

Wowie zowie, are you from Hawai'i, too?? I couldn't help but notice you've been writing with your ʻokinas on instead of apostrophes, hahaha. Mahalo nui loa, YOU are awesome.

Jiwoo

Aww I loved a little twist in the end! I am curious about what has changed Sabrina's mind. Is she having a little ohana moment with the chinchillas? Also It was so fun how Piper might still be dreaming of the Hollywood, it just seems more reasonable :)

Corinne (1 like)

HI there. Thank you so much for your great feedback. Yes, I definitely need to develop the Sabrina arc a little more. I ran out of time, LOL. I know that she feels bad, because she seeʻs the poachers taking Princess away. So, there needs to be a moment where she goes back and forth (maybe pacing in the living room) before she finally decides to save the day. And in the end, Piper starts letting Sabrina in on their movie reinactments rather than terrorizing her.

I definitely plan to develop this more. I might even start by making it a book, and then animation. Thanks again for your feedback!