Skye

DREAMS STORYREEL by BRENNAN

Oh, now THAT'S a breath of fresh air. I can't tell you how many times when a story here has involved an awful soul-sucking corporate job that I've replied, "They should quit!!" I was so worried that wasn't where this was going, and absolutely relieved when that all paid off. I think the points in the spine are correct, but I'm not sure if they're placed where I'd want them to be placed, if we just looked at its bullet points-- TECHNICALLY, it IS a kind of "until finally" for ALEX when she makes it to being a Director of Narrative Dreams (love that terminology, by the by-- that's the kind of stuff I dig in worldbuilding)... but I'd argue it's NOT an "until finally" for the STORY, since the phrase is used for resolution, and the RESOLUTION is that wonderful bit where she realizes she's gotta get out of this place. Doesn't really matter if you were tell it WITHOUT the story spine in place, but just thought I'd mention that. I also think that the "ever since then" you wrote might actually want to be connected to the "until finally"-- still being in SEARCH of a job doesn't sound like the GREATEST "ever since", because it kind of makes it feel like she might never find a job? "Ever since then" is, most often, like, the change in the character, something permanent. And I'd HOPE Alex job-hunting wouldn't be permanent, haha. So I'd put the Alex goes in search beat into "until finally", then "ever since then" would be the part about Alex prioritizing finding joy in life over soul-sucking corporate ladder-climbing.

I'm sure you were as strapped for time as we were, but one thing about that ending that definitely deserves some screentime is actually SEEING Alex happy as she jets out of Dream Corp for the last time. Since we've spent so much time just seeing her and her dreams dying, I think the audience deserves just... just RAPTUROUS CATHARSIS, WHOOSH, ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYIN', CHOIR STARTS SINGING, WHEEE~ Examples of that type of payoff that I can think of is, like, the ending of Hook or The Truman Show. The way you've drawn it is she's realized her dreams have been crushed by the system... and then, poof, empty rooms. If I saw that without the narration, I honestly might've assumed the worst. I wanna see slap-happy joy of STICKIN' IT TO THE MAN!! >:D

Speaking of The Man, I really like that adorable design of the man who turns out to be Alex's assistant. Well, okay, he's adorable in the first act. I didn't trust him the moment she saw him in the building, hahaha. But yes-- I really like that twist in the way he's perceived outside the building vs. in. I don't know if it was intentional, but I swear, he looks like he's actually some lifeless suit someone's inside of once he's not out in public. Like, uh, the difference between The Other Father in Coraline at the beginning of the story vs. when the dream world is unraveling, and he's just kind of a ragdoll. Since the story only ends up focusing on Alex, I'd be interested if, in a fully realized version of this film, if The Man continued to loom over Alex the whole time as a kind of false friend, looking stranger and stranger the more she sticks around. It could be, like, a visual metaphor for this false hope she has that all she has to do is stick around and she'll get what she wants. A good protagonist-antagonist relationship like that could certainly has great payoff when she finally quits! The Man might try to stop her, saying the career of her dreams is just RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER if she sticks in there (That's making me think of the The Terrible Trivium for The Phantom Tollbooth a little-- a great small villain role), and she just lets him HAVE IT. If the man IS actually a big ol' suit (but I'm sure that's just my imagination getting away with me), it'd be cool if she just ripped him apart and realized he's not even real. Like, he's just... a nightmare in disguise! 8O WOAAAH.

Other thoughts: As you can see, I love worldbuilding, and I think, at the very least, it's good for a writer to know things that might not be fully explored in a story so that you understand the internal logic of this world. A lot of the phrases said in this story spine are a little fuzzy on the details about how this whole dream corporation works and why! It's COMPLETELY okay if every little detail isn't explained, or even if some things are outrightly not explained, but since you yourself brought attention to it, it kind of floats out there like a mystery that needs to be solved, so when it's not elaborated upon later, it feels like it's missing something! I half-expected Alex to unveil some master conspiracy about the intentions of this corporation, especially with that little note about 'control' of minds... Alex heard that, and she's STILL working here?!

Other worldbuilding things -- "They are transported here as they dream" -- "The company is magical, creating all dreams in physical space." -- wait, so... when I fall asleep... ... I PHYSICALLY appear in Dream Corp's offices and enact out my dreams on a giant Holodeck-like set? Do I disappear from the real world? Or is it more like I astral project there? Can I be physically handled by anyone working in Dream Corp? Am I in any danger? How do they decide what dreams to give me, how do they know all the context of my life to include in my dream? Obviously, this is touched on briefly in Inside Out-- I'm just wanting to ensure I know how at least SOME of this stuff works, so I can understand what kind of world Alex is in.

I also think it's at least important for anything related to Alex's goal in the story to be fully explained. Like, I was completely thrown off when I found out Alex's job wasn't creative at ALL at this new company. Since she just traded an old uncreative job for this, I assumed it'd be a step up, but this sounds even worse! And Alex's reaction isn't really brought up, when I'd like to know if she feels disappointed or confused at all. She was brought here by The Man because he said this was a place where she could "be creative without anyone telling you 'no'"... but this is just... more of the same? Is it just because of the carrot being dangled out in-front of her of something better? Her motivations as well as exactly what the job she's doing entails and what the job she wants entails (like, I wasn't expecting that whole thing about multiple dream departments -- what ARE those other departments? What's ALEX'S department?), that should all be very clear.

Other small things of note -- love that adorable illustration of Alex looking into the dream room, magnificent face. The montage of time passing is also SO well-thought-out! What a great visual that's instantly readable, without any words. And then, at the big moment where Alex gets everything she thought she wanted... the phrase, "She no longer has that spark of creativity." I think it would more a gut-punch if it was actually something more like... since Alex has been sacrificing her well-being for this ONE dream, now that she's gotten this ONE dream, she realizes... she no longer HAS any dreams. This place killed them all.

With that, real talk: Is this an animation industry allegory? If so, you smarty, you. If that was this angle, it might be cool to frame this story differently-- like, Alex lives in a world where EVERYONE knows about Dream Corp-- it's been her dream job (pun obvious) for as long as she can remember, and she knows everything publicized about it, and it sounds like everything she's ever wanted, and she works her whole life for a chance to work there... and when she finally gets there, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed... it's all wrong. It's NOT a bastion of creativity and art for the sake of art. Poi'fect metaphor. If the harsh realities of the animation industry interests you, there's a couple great documentaries about that whole dealio-- Waking Sleeping Beauty, Dream On Silly Dreamer, The Sweatbox, etc.

Also, I'm going to be copying-and-pasting this short little sentence on everyone who picks wall-to-wall narration on their final draft of their story: Think of all your favourite short films, both animated and non-animated, and think about how many of them have wall-to-wall narration. I think you'll see that, even when they were adapted from picture books and maintain a level of narration, there's lots of points where the narration stops, and we get to just appreciate storytelling without the narration. Especially if the visual is telling us everything we need to know, why add a narrator? The story spine and the final product are very different assignments, and while one could choose to add wall-to-wall narration (it IS certainly a choice), I think going a route of purely visual storytelling or letting the characters speak for themselves is too captivating a choice to not consider moving forward! ^_^

Tea

I loved how the story relates to real life. Working hard and being creative pays off in the end.

Being yourself and being positive is the ultimate goal

Miriam

I really like the story and the drawings! Perhaps there is too much narrative and I miss more drawings. Many times, when we have access to our dream job, we are disappointed. And the monotony of her work in the coffee shop makes her a more creative person.

Jackie

I liked the idea of finding her dream job, but was confused when she quit & started working for the company that makes dreams, only to see her working behind a bunch of paper work. I thought the old man said she could come & do creative work. Then to have her finally get her chance to direct a dream, and then to quit, because she had nothing left was confusing and disappointing. Does her dream job exist? I think we always having something inside us to give, no matter what age we are. Good job at submitting & being a part of the program. Kind regards.

Jordan

I love the story about wanting to do more with your life and put your creativity out there, it seems indicative with every artists dream. And I'm just wondering if the mysterious man was like The Sand man like the mystical being that gives peoples dreams. That was a pretty interesting character? The ending was a bit anticlimactic as she just leaves the facility. Maybe she uses what she learned there to make her own art and share it to the world somehow. Also is there a facility where they make nightmares? Either way I love the story thus far!

Anastasia

I loved your story! I appreciated the simplistic art style because it clearly illustrated the narration. I love this moral, especially as to how it relates to artists and competitive artistic industries such as animation and the corporate world. I appreciate how this story inspires the audience to consider the balance between "be happy where you are now" and "dream big" mentalities. There is a balance in working towards achieving your dreams, yet you also need to remember you are not confined to one narrative. There are always opportunities around for people who chose to be themselves and follow their passions. Thank you for telling this story! I'm proud of all your hard work! :)

Richard

Interesting story with a compelling subtext about realising your dreams. I’ve heard the phrase “Sometimes our greatest disappointment is our dreams realised.” I guess that statement means a bit more in this context. Lol. Nice work and congrats on finishing your story reel.

AJ

It's really interesting the way you took the story and changed it compared to last time. I think its cool the way she found out about her new opportunity but I wonder if she ever found what she was looking for. There's def room to push the story but you have an interesting foundation for sure!

Alia

Alex's personality is understandable, since I feel like many of us have to work jobs we don't enjoy in order to go after more creative opportunities. Maybe it's just me but I found your voice to be a little too fast when speaking and I wish I could slow down your narration. I was confused as to how Alex initially viewed this environment at the new work place to be amazing and wonderful until she actually began to work. Did she not see mismanagement and exploitation amongst the employees? I'm unclear as to what Alex's dream job actually was. Was it to make abstract dreams? Write stories? Direct? The moral of the story went over my head.

Gabriel

Hey Brennan! I really enjoyed the story! This theme of losing your sense of self and motivation to a dream I really topical and interesting and I believe that with your images and the progression of your story you managed to communicate it super well! I do have a couple of suggestions though. The part in the first act has some details which I don't think serve a purpose to the core of your narrative. For instance, the detail about the old liking her coffee isn't very relevant, as the reason he's endeared to Alex is because she's very determined in being creative, more than her skill in her current job or the kindness in her service ( which isn't really touched upon). The theme of dreams here could be introduced earlier too, forshadowing the company. For instance, the man could walk into the shop talking about Alex's recent dreams on being endlessly creative or Alex dreams of this man offering her this position and in the next day he goes to the coffee shop to formally invite her. Another detail which could've thrown around in conversation within the company, but isn't too relevant to the story, is the purpose of the company producing dreams, which you say is some sort of mind control. This sort of very specific detail created some expectation to a pay-off, like Alex being manipulated by the company through her dreams, or dismantling this mind control scheme by the end. But it's not built upon later on, so I would suggest removing it. By the end of your story reel I missed seeing Alex return to her roots, but amazing ending regardless. I understand she goes around all the spaces which she has worked in, but the catharsis she is seeking and which we as viewers are seeking is that doing art for art's sake. So it would be wonderful to end the story reel with Alex creating art just because she wants, truly finding her old-self again. I hope this helps but this is an amazing story reel already!
If you can, could you take a look on my team's script and give me some feedback. Don't mind the highlights, they are just a way for me and my partner to divide the drawing work. Here's the link to the script: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PBPoxhx3mtdYH_i-_V4WStpQ55xfbniQHUS9J0d8Gcc/edit?usp=sharing